Reached home rather late, being out with a few of my frens. Missed my dear by a slight difference, most probably would be able to see her online if i din bath first. It all began when i msged her, informing her that i am out wif some of our frens. Most probably heading home late again. Feeling something is amiss when i got her reply, i called her.
Knowing how she's feeling, i felt that i should talk to her. Hoping to alleviate the feelings, guess i did the wrong thing. I should have been more considerate for her, knowing that she wants to see me online tonite. Doing things without giving her more consideration, guess that's the kind of person that i am. The disappointing sort. I din really thought of the day when i have to choose how to spend time between them, as in my dear and my other frens. Knowing my dear, she's the sort that would be there for her frens. Going out of her way, even when she's darn tired. Knowing her, she would bottle up all her feelings and tell me that she's ok, just to prevent spoiling my evening(what's up wif this sadness i am feelin anyway.).
Frankly speaking, i dun really expect my dear to be always be so strong. I do have times when i was tired also, of being strong for others. So i dun expect my dear to be so strong all the time. Everyone got their ups and downs, so as to be alive. For her being as my dear, the most foremost thing is, i wanted to her to be happy. Limited in the ways that i can do such stuff. I know she's too considerate of my feelings, one thing that i am very worried of. I dun want her to restrict her feelings, just becuz of thinking of mine's sake. I want to know what she thinks, and feels. But it's getting rather tiring, esp when she keep on avoiding upsetting me, by putting her feelings aside. Disappointments is something that i have learnt to accept, from my naive knowledge of a relationship. But i believe that a relationship is something that both people share, and from that we learn to understand each other.
I knew what i am getting into, when i asked her to take a chance with me. Knowing a long distance relationship is something that's not that simple to pull thru, many couples broke up in the process, thru miscommunication all that. I believed that we ourself is able to pass thru all those trials. It's only that, by avoiding her own feelings, i can't really tell what's happening. Using my heart to feel her, is a relatively new thing for me. How to feel her, when she herself avoids her own feelings??It's rather upsetting to think that my dear dun trust me with what she's feeling. sighz. She is my dear, the most impt gal in my dreary life.
Everytime when she blames herself for things that she believes that is her fault, she have no idea how i feel. I felt upset for her sake, this is something that i din really have a chance to tell her. There aint a perfect person, as i myself is full of flaws. Flaws that i do see clearly myself. I am juz purely dumb at having a relationship. Reading between the lines, is something that i does to my frens, as i dunno what do they really mean. But in the msgs that my dear sent me, the idea of having hidden msgs, din really crossed my mind. That's why i am always having problems trying to get my dear to tell me whatever is on her mind. I can feel the feelings her msgs, but took it literally. Sigh. That's something that i gotta improve on eh?
p.s. Just realised that sometimes msgs dun get thru to her, who can i blame? M1 or Optus?