Been watching my words since a long time back, on what to write about, what not to. As it's like, well, no idea who might stumble upon this blog. And knowing what i do really think, might give them the scare of their life. But after looking back, at the number of posts i did over 2 years, which i watched my words, really don't do this blog any justice at all. So, kindly bear with me, as i choose to write what really passes through my mind, most of the time. I do need this outlet, before i go crazy sooner or later. From now on, i'll just write what i really thought. This might be a long, full of randoms, but true post.
I choose to be myself, rather than someone who chooses to accommodate other people perception of them. You might be surprised by what a person i really is.
Reading is one of my favorite pastime since young, as it compromises of borrowing books from the library(which is free) and reading(which dun cost anything). i started this activity since pri school, although i started by doing Asterix and obelix at that point of time. Nowadays i read alot of self-help books, of which i noted in one of them, that actually, self help books only help when u are still reading it. After which the book is placed down, the normal person will just forget whatever they have read, and moved on. i hate to admit this, but well, i am one of those normal people. I do try now and then, to find ways of trying to remember inspirational words from the books, to no avail. But well, as i have said long time before, i wasn't that much of an intelligent person. i put in alot of effort in my studies, although no people(including my family) ever saw that part of me at all. To alot of people, i am kinda infallible, like always having the right answers at all times. Truth to be told, i don't really have the answers to everything that crosses my mind at all.
Most of my mind, is like a 20 sided dice. There's so many sides of me being me that i don't really understand myself at all. It's ok if you don't get it, as i kinda lost myself also. Let's just put it as, i do have peculiar moods at times. I show a different side of me, to different groups of people. Like with my 1st workplace, with my team, i was an extremely outspoken person. i get involved in discussions and talk to people, and i am not worried to express my views on matters. That is the 1st time i am so outspoken in my relatively short life. In the 2nd project that i am involved in, well, i kept my views to myself, having to work with someone that i know. It wasn't an entirely pleasant experience, knowing that ex-poly friend of mine, is somehow proud at times. Not that i can fault him, with his well-to-do family. My opinion is that, he din have to stress himself over the family finances at all.
I have to admit, most of my poly days are kinda messed up. I din really mix with my classmates until 2nd and 3rd year. i am more of a loner(withdrawn) in my poly days, never did join any of the particular clique that was formed in my class. And most of the days which i remember spending, are mostly involved with the "girl next class", whose face i found familiar. Well, i did have something going for that particular girl at that time. But now she's currently happily married(for which i am very glad), so like they say, it's water under the bridge now. I also got very involved in my Japanese language class, being well-known there(for my grades 2 dist & 1 A, my cheekiness, and my passion for the language, i hope). This 2 factors are why i never did find the need to join those cliques that was formed in my form class.
I admit, i have this love for Japanese culture, as much as i think about it, it's my way of trying to keep remembering my older brother.
After seeing so many deaths in my life(not to say alot, but was very close to me though). Came to this realisation that life itself is fragile. Anything can just happen, unexpected. In our pursuit of materialistic fulfillment(our never-ending wants), we tend to forget what's really important in our lives. I feel that it's important to remember people who passed us by in our lives, however briefly, and to learn whatever i could from them. One fear of mine, the fear of being forgotten, which in the 1st place, lead to the creation of this blog. I wanted to have a voice inside the world wide web, one which i can shout out to the world, to prove that i existed in this point of time.
And i digress.
Well, i kept my opinions to myself in the 2nd project that i got into(thanks to my team leader which i had, at that time, without her help, i am so...out of a job). Unfortunately, office politics are rather rampant there. Cliques are formed, and if you are not in either of them, either you are damn skilled, or you are damn lucky. Being new, i was neither, so was pulled in the one which my ex-poly friend is in. Job-wise, was very busy, being short-handed and having to work quite a number of OTs(Not to mention the standbys which we have to do ourselves). i learned quite a no of things from there, mostly related to the mentor which i had. Supposingly, 2 weeks of On Job Training(OJT) with the mentor. Out of which, i only managed to have like, a week+? The reason given, it was in the lull period, out of which, my mentor believes that no point bringing me around for simple cases, especially in outlying areas(which will be a waste of time & money). I am very thankful to him, for being my mentor. He's a very fair person, although to other people, may seem to be a harsh person at times. But i like his style of doing 'work', although most of his time are spent on his own 'business'.
After my mentor left the company to take care of his 'business' full-time, i survived on my own, working hard. Until the day which i was being complained by a 'major' company, after which, i got disillusioned, and just go through the motions. It wasn't a surprise when i got the re-contract offer, rather than the conversion to perm staff. i was actually looking forward to being a perm staff, rather than staying on contract forever, so in a way, that provoked me to leave the place.
Coincidentally, i came into contact with one of my ex-poly classmate, who was working in aussie. Well, we found a common understanding(as in being in a relationship), and i went over to aussie for a month. Seeing whether i am able to work things out with the girl in question. The month came and passed quickly, living with one another ain't that bad. It's after which i went back to SG, and my inability to have a decent conversation on the phone, which caused the relationship to end. I wasn't a very expressive person, having coop up all my emotions after my older brother passed away. I think i did have it bad, after the incident. Somehow or rather, i don't really remember alot of my childhood days, especially the stretch between secondary 4/5 and poly year 1(after the incident). Things came to an end, sorted out everything there's to be. And cold reality bites.
It was a bad time to be without a job. i realise that it's rather hard to get a job, after being unemployed for few months. Couldn't be very sure what actually went wrong though, i did send my resume out, but no response at all. As time passed, i was getting more and more desperate. Suddenly, the school that i worked for previously, had a position that i could fill in. And that's how, i worked from then till now.
Working back at the same place as before, but commanding a better pay. To be frank, i didn't think about it much. Being thankful for a job, and taking over the family finances after that(which took up all my energy & attention). That's when the importance of money came into the picture. I realised, to my chagrin, that studying overseas full-time is definitely out of the question. An income is definitely needed, to pay the bills. Something is gotta give. In the end, studying is being defined(by me) as a cost that i can't really afford(Unless i can save $600 per mth) yet. So, leaving studying to the back of my mind, and just concentrated on getting the job done.
Time flies, before you know it, it's already 2008. My younger sis is already working, my finances worked out. Main criteria, is to secure a job before i make the jump. And the problem is, what kind of job should i look for?
p.s. updated my end of year post, but unfortunately is kinda incomplete. i think the current post is a more complete one though.
Took me 2 1/2 hours to write this post...omg...maybe i will try to find a background?